As an avid blog reader, I have officially become one of those blogs I loathe: the never updated blog. Yes. I am officially a failure as a blogger. But whatever, I have bigger fish to fry, although – ultimately – I am pretty convinced that I am just a failure at everything right now.
Anyway, the truth is, I haven’t really updated this blog yet because over the past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out what is going with my life, and where I want it to go. Now, this isn’t typical beauty queen drama and, unfortunately, has nothing to do with mascara, rhinestones or Sherri/Tony/Jamye.
As I have mentioned previously I have been pursuing an MBA for the past year, and am close to being half-way done with the course work. As an undergraduate, I studied journalism, so taking on an education in business was going to be a challenge. However, I had no idea how demanding it was really going to be, and to be honest, I didn’t give a lot of thought into applying in the first place. I literally decided on a Monday that I was going to do this – and really to prove a point to someone who should be completely irrelevant to my life (aside from the fact that he signs my paycheck) – and submitted my application, transcripts and test scores that Friday. I started the next semester and never had time to look back.
Now I’m at a point where I am completely burnt out, back to being extremely out of shape, stressed, unhealthy, agitated, tired, drained, and most importantly, unhappy. It turns out that I couldn’t really care less about being a PR executive, or even the owner of a firm, which is what I wanted originally. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself I wanted to rationalize this stupid and costly decision I made. But it turns out that the more I put into this, the more unhappy the more convinced I can’t do this right now.
Working my ass off (and this is clearly just an expression since – if anything – my ass has gotten bigger) to get these credentials will certainly pay off in a bigger salary, and more responsibility, which would be nice, but it would also equal longer hours, even more stress and more time spent making someone else’s dreams come true.
Now, to be a total traitor to my gender – oh, never mind, I DO do beauty pageants – the reality is that I really just want to be a great wife and a mommy. And I am starting to feel like for the longest time, I have been so achievement-oriented, that I have gotten my priorities completely out of whack.
The unfortunate thing about all this, is that I am (and this will probably shock you, but this blog is no indication of this) not a quitter. And the mere thought of quitting anything that I start is infuriating to me. And I don’t want to be looked upon as someone who gives it all up for kids, because lots of woman can have both a great career and family. I also know that my friends will never really understand what I’m trying to say, because they want “more” for their lives.
Still, bottom line, I am tired of living for other people, and I have reached a point where I need to step away from things – like school – and figure out what I really want before I continue to waste time and money.
So, I have decided to postpone my MBA work for at least a semester, if not indefinitely.
The good news is that I’ll be able to put more into the blog and other writing projects, as well as help Mr. Beauty Queen with some stuff he’s working on for his business. So yay! More good news means that I’ll be able to focus more on my body – double yay! I am looking forward to having time to cook and workout. I found some pageant photos of the “glory days,” back when I was in high school. Maybe when I can look at them without wanting to snort a line of ephedra, I’ll post them. But it reaffirmed that I have been focused on the wrong things for way too long.
So I am looking forward to what I hope will be a healthy and happy next couple of months – and I hope you stick around while I’m trying to figure it all out.
We now return to our regular scheduled programming – and as a reminder, Miss USA is on this Sunday!!! Prelims are on Wednesday night, so I fully intend to post my top picks shortly after! Miss America is definitely the Super Bowl, but Miss USA is the qualifier for the Olympics – Miss Universe. Plus, Miss USA can always turn into one hot crockpot of a crazy cluster in terms of drama. So I am sure we’ll be in for a scandal of some sort! The popcorn will be a poppin' come Sunday night in anticipation!
Sincerely,
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